Saturday, February 01, 2014

Times Like This, I Wish I Had A Boyfriend

Remember Uber's National Cat Day promotion? How in certain cities you got 15 minutes of kitten snuggle time and a cupcake for $20? Which face it, at certain times of my life I would have been a weekly user of such a service just for the stress relief. (And yes, even though I have 2 cats at home. Because kittens.)

The Arizona Humane Society has learned from their marketing stunt. For Valentine's Day, you can have a Kitty-Gram delivered to your sweetheart. For $150, you get a kitten (for keeps!), a starter care kit, and some candy
I guess.

So instead of an engagement ring, give your loved one a kitten! It's just as much of a commitment!

Wednesday, December 25, 2013

Merry Christmas From Kerry, The Cats, and The Roaches In My Sink

Current time: 10:54AM
Time I woke up: 4:50AM
Reason for waking: Sister Dusie was awake
Time Plum woke up: 6:30AM
Time Mom and Aces arrived for present opening: 6:55AM
Time Peaches woke up: 7:31AM

Number of cups of coffee I have had: 2
Number of pieces of bacon I ate: 1
Number of carrots eaten: 2
Probable time of lunch: 1pm

Number of books about trains I have read this morning: 3
Number of times I have read each of those books: At least 3
Maximum number of times I have read "Two Little Trains" by Margaret Wise Brown back to back: 4
Number of times I would read that book again at the behest of the Plum: Infinite

Items I brought realizing my sister would probably forget them: 4
Items: 4 boxes of fresh herbs for roast, can of biscuits, large sour cream, garlic
Item I should have located and brought: a meat thermometer
Chance we will have to put the roast back in the oven at least once: 75%
Time I left the house yesterday: 3:03pm
Items I left for the cats: wet food, dry food, water, freeze-dried turkey, a Catmas tree decorated with cat toys
Amount of hunger and pique I will experience upon my return: Considerable

Amount of times I was assured by Peaches that she really wanted me to sleep over on Christmas Eve: 2
And that I could share her bed: 2
Amount of time she allowed me to share her bed before having a meltdown and banishing me
to the couch: 1 hour
Time I will sneak off and take a nap in her bed: noon

Oddest item Santa brought: A Malibu Barbie Dream House
Amount of time it takes to put together a Barbie Dream House: 90 minutes
Most frugal item Santa brought: Aunt Aces' old sewing machine
Person who received both gifts: Peaches
Best joke posted to Facebook: Peaches holding a giant Hello Kitty alarm clock titled "Now I won't be late to my shift at Aunt Aces' sweatshop!"

Merry Christmas, everyone.

Wednesday, May 15, 2013

Things That Would Happen On This Week's Grey's Anatomy If I Were Writing It

Sadly, Grey's Anatomy is not even the worst show I watch. That would be Criminal Minds, with its paper thin characters, outlandish plots, and pungent blend of misogyny and martyrdom. Yes, I am ashamed and I wish I knew others who hate watched it so we could rant together. However, Grey's a special case because it has some very good and interesting actors, something of a feminist concept, tries to have interesting stories and concepts, and consistently misses the mark and is often a mess. So here's what I wish would happen tomorrow night on the season finale.

1) Dr. Arizona Robbins cheating on her wife with a visiting cranio-facial surgeon: Arizona finds out immediately that the surgeon Lauren has an amputee fetish as post-orgasm she develops diarrhea of the mouth and confesses that she never thought she'd meet a gorgeous lesbian amputee to have sex with and it's like the best experience of her life. Arizona is crushed, guilty and skulks around trying to avoid her wife. Callie knows something is off but doesn't find out what happened until next season, and for the sake of their daughter they try an open relationship. It does not work.

2) Dr. Alex Karev, his crush Intern Jo, and the tree that crashed through his house: So Intern Jo has previously been involved in a mutual assault with her boyfriend Chest Peckwell, in which she wound up with a black eye and he wound up with a subdural hematoma and brain surgery. Alex and Jo attempt to secure the house, and during this Jo gets trapped in the basement and drowns like poor Kate Fleming.

OR, with his house in ruins around him Alex realizes that getting together with a woman who has uncontrolled PTSD/anger/intimacy issues is a bad idea, and backs off from a relationship, forcing Jo into therapy. They eventually get together though, but she starts assaulting him. After months of this, Alex gets the help he needs, breaks up with her and leaves Seattle.

Alex gets a spin off in which he goes back to Iowa to help care for his mother and brother who have serious mental illnesses, force his sister to abandon her music career to go to college, and take up a new job at a hospital in Des Moines or Cedar Rapids or wherever. Oh, and finds a therapist.

3) Owen Hunt, Cristina Yang, and the plot moppet he wants to adopt: Cristina realizes Owen is an asshole, and calls off their post-divorce relationship in which they have sex and ignore the fact he's an abusive asshole who wants kids, and she does not want them. The moppet's dad dies during the storm and Owen adopts the kid and moves out to wherever the kid's grandmother lives to form a family and torture new people. Probably by finding another strong woman (but one who wants kids this time) and constantly undermining her and ignoring words coming out of her mouth.

4) April and her new fiance Matthew: Since doctors can only date other doctors in the Seattle Grace world, and especially since surgeons can only date other surgeons (Shonda Rhimes does not believe in class mixing), Matthew dies during the storm helping people. April blames herself and the fact she's not a virgin. She becomes an atheist and actually becomes tolerable, passes her boards and starts internet dating like an adult.

5) Bailey's loss of confidence and guilt that her staph infection killed several patients: Bailey develops OCD and has a nervous breakdown in the middle of the hospital. She ends the season in a straitjacket.

6) Meredith Grey and Derek Shepard's miracle baby is born during a horrible storm. Eh, everything goes smoothly until there's an emergency C-section, but everything is fine and it's all touching and whatnot.

Should I become a showrunner? Would you watch this?

Thursday, February 28, 2013

A New Challenge

Before my therapy group dissolved, we talked about our past year and what we wanted for the future. I actually goals written around the theme of resources, financial, emotional, temporal, and physical. One of my ongoing issues is waste, and my own patterns around spending my energy, (mis)spending my money, and the fact that I know intellectually I have limitations, but not doing my best to maximize my resources. You know, by doing some clearheaded thinking, planning ahead, practicing patience and not giving into my emotions. One of the things I decided to do this year was a 1 week spending fast each quarter. The first one starts tomorrow.

The rules are simple: no shopping, no food buying, no restaurant meals, no impulse purchases because "I need" an item. In preparation, I made a list of what I do need before entering this week: a jug of cat litter, a 6 pack of Coke, a gallon of milk, and some chocolate. Seriously, I can scare up 21 meals out of the contents of my pantry and fridge. If I need entertainment, I can scour the tub or groom a cat. Or meditate. Listen to the radio. Paint my nails. Sleep. Cain and Willa have food and medicine, and even treats (okay, only Willa considers brussels sprouts a treat.)

I just got back from Target, where the shopping trip for my short list of supplies spiked my anxiety and a can of soup, a box of mac & cheese, and some rice pilaf also made their way into the bag. Yes, I should have put them back once I realized they were anxiety-quellers. But let's start small.

Tuesday, February 19, 2013

So Kerry, What Happened To You?

I know, you've wondered.

Have I:

  • Fallen down a well?
  • Had a nervous breakdown and been hanging out with Governor Jan Brewer's son at the Arizona State Hospital?
  • Gotten a boyfriend?
  • Even better than having me an ordinary, age-appropriate, fellow of similar interests who likes hanging out of me, have I enchanted a billionaire of kinky habits and a controlling nature who has been psychologically abusing me while making my way smooth and destroying my sense of self?
  • Been writing fan fiction?

Sadly, none of the above. The truth is that after a year of not working, I know have 2 jobs, one of which is full-time and pays benefits and lets me be peppy and interact with people positively and be myself, and another on my days off which lets me be myself and peppy, but uses a different set of intellectual skills. I have two great managers, and overall I feel good about where I am professionally, although some (including my little niggling "you're not right" voice that pops up occasionally) might say I'm not doing well at all. Screw that.

But between work, and seeing my sister's kids any chance I get, and those general life organization tasks that I am continually overwhelmed by, I am very, very busy and about to get busier as I cover part of a maternity leave for 12 weeks. I'm planning on buying all the cat food and litter I could possibly need and stacking it in the living room. Oh, and did I mention that I really should move to be closer to the store? Like, before March 19th?

Ay yi yi.

Saturday, December 01, 2012

Sign Up For World Book Night!

Folks, it's time to sign up to be a giver for World Book Night on April 23, 2013. I was a 2012 giver and it was tons of fun.

My first choice is Margaret Atwood's The Handmaid's Tale, which I think I will hand out around the State Capitol area. I will maybe also put together and include an handout about the recent legislation passed by nutjobs in the Arizona State Legislature that limit women's access to abortion, birth control and create the circumstances that lead to the experiences of Offred and the other women being stripped of their rights and forced into sexual slavery and servitude.

I also find the book Glaciers intriguing. My third choice is Devil In A Blue Dress. Other books on the list that I have on my ever-growing TBR list are The Tender Bar, Population: 485, Salvage The Bones, City of Thieves, Fahrenheit 451, and My Antonia.

Friday, November 30, 2012

Note To Self: Excellent Advice Edition

The first time someone shows you who they are, believe them--Maya Angelou

A Public Service Announcement From Cain And Kerry: You Should Be Brushing Your Cat's Teeth. No, Really.

Cat ladies and lovers, Cain and I recently had an upsetting experience involving his oral hygiene. A bit of background: Cain seems to be the cat who got a shitty genetic hand. Thank god he's neutered. Otherwise, he'd have sired huge fat diabetic gray kittens in 3 states. So yes, he developed diabetes at a young age, and he also seems to be ace at having tooth issues. A while back, the vet said that Cain had some buildup and that he thought Cain would lose one of his upper fangs/canines soon. He didn't, but when I took him for an exam in mid-September the teeth issues had become more pronounced and I decided to book him for a dental.

Now, a cat's dental treatment involves putting them under general anesthesia. Because really, is your cat going to realize that you want to open his mouth and scrap off plaque and tartar and cooperate? Hell no. And they don't make straightjackets in cat size. And Cain needed pre-work medical testing to ensure he didn't die on the table because he is 8. And Dr. Bishop only does these things on Wednesdays. And the vet's office messed up the first appointment and I had to reschedule. And then one of his bottom fangs fell out, which I didn't worry about because Dr. Bishop had said that usually happens with cats when the roots dissolve, and besides, what am I going to do?Put it in a glass of milk and rush it and him to the vet for re-implantation?

It turned out Cain's tooth roots do not dissolve and he must have been in great pain. Which because he is Cain, I couldn't tell. He needed gum surgery and to get his other bottom fang extracted.

Let me tell you this: Gum surgery for your cat is expensive. It's not as expensive as it would be for a human, but the techniques are similar.

So poor Cain was all traumatized and hated me for 12 hours after he got home. We're now back to normal. And he still has a nice smile.

The upshot is that you should brush your cats' teeth. Now that we've discussed what happens when you don't do that, I need to dip my finger in butter and massage my cats' gums, step one on the path to getting to the point where I can brush their teeth with a little brush and some liver flavored toothpaste.

This pet ownership thing is absurd.