Wednesday, May 15, 2013

Things That Would Happen On This Week's Grey's Anatomy If I Were Writing It

Sadly, Grey's Anatomy is not even the worst show I watch. That would be Criminal Minds, with its paper thin characters, outlandish plots, and pungent blend of misogyny and martyrdom. Yes, I am ashamed and I wish I knew others who hate watched it so we could rant together. However, Grey's a special case because it has some very good and interesting actors, something of a feminist concept, tries to have interesting stories and concepts, and consistently misses the mark and is often a mess. So here's what I wish would happen tomorrow night on the season finale.

1) Dr. Arizona Robbins cheating on her wife with a visiting cranio-facial surgeon: Arizona finds out immediately that the surgeon Lauren has an amputee fetish as post-orgasm she develops diarrhea of the mouth and confesses that she never thought she'd meet a gorgeous lesbian amputee to have sex with and it's like the best experience of her life. Arizona is crushed, guilty and skulks around trying to avoid her wife. Callie knows something is off but doesn't find out what happened until next season, and for the sake of their daughter they try an open relationship. It does not work.

2) Dr. Alex Karev, his crush Intern Jo, and the tree that crashed through his house: So Intern Jo has previously been involved in a mutual assault with her boyfriend Chest Peckwell, in which she wound up with a black eye and he wound up with a subdural hematoma and brain surgery. Alex and Jo attempt to secure the house, and during this Jo gets trapped in the basement and drowns like poor Kate Fleming.

OR, with his house in ruins around him Alex realizes that getting together with a woman who has uncontrolled PTSD/anger/intimacy issues is a bad idea, and backs off from a relationship, forcing Jo into therapy. They eventually get together though, but she starts assaulting him. After months of this, Alex gets the help he needs, breaks up with her and leaves Seattle.

Alex gets a spin off in which he goes back to Iowa to help care for his mother and brother who have serious mental illnesses, force his sister to abandon her music career to go to college, and take up a new job at a hospital in Des Moines or Cedar Rapids or wherever. Oh, and finds a therapist.

3) Owen Hunt, Cristina Yang, and the plot moppet he wants to adopt: Cristina realizes Owen is an asshole, and calls off their post-divorce relationship in which they have sex and ignore the fact he's an abusive asshole who wants kids, and she does not want them. The moppet's dad dies during the storm and Owen adopts the kid and moves out to wherever the kid's grandmother lives to form a family and torture new people. Probably by finding another strong woman (but one who wants kids this time) and constantly undermining her and ignoring words coming out of her mouth.

4) April and her new fiance Matthew: Since doctors can only date other doctors in the Seattle Grace world, and especially since surgeons can only date other surgeons (Shonda Rhimes does not believe in class mixing), Matthew dies during the storm helping people. April blames herself and the fact she's not a virgin. She becomes an atheist and actually becomes tolerable, passes her boards and starts internet dating like an adult.

5) Bailey's loss of confidence and guilt that her staph infection killed several patients: Bailey develops OCD and has a nervous breakdown in the middle of the hospital. She ends the season in a straitjacket.

6) Meredith Grey and Derek Shepard's miracle baby is born during a horrible storm. Eh, everything goes smoothly until there's an emergency C-section, but everything is fine and it's all touching and whatnot.

Should I become a showrunner? Would you watch this?

No comments: