Exciting Links To Read

I Found My Biological Parents, And Wish I Hadn't

I am a big fan of Lisa Lutz, and find her confession of distance towards her families interesting, seeing as her greatest success has come from a series of novels (The Spellman Files) about a family that is entirely too far up into each others' business sometimes.

Her Magic Touch by Sable Hunter

So over at Dear Author, they have a guest reviewer who has found a series of the worst self-published erotic romance novels of all times and is reading them and having her head explode. The misogyny. Tebow Ranch. Ridiculous tropes and scary cliches. The only reason to read is to write stunning critiques, and the only reason to read the reviews is to laugh your ass off.

All my friends/family with children, why are your children not old enough for this? Penguin Threads, which is a line of Penguin Classics with beautiful embroidery-inspired cover, would make a great gift. Oh well, these classics adapted for board books might have to do.

Meanwhile, The Billfold's Logan Sachon realized buying things for babies is kid of dumb.
. The auntie who has started to bring her little kin their tribute in the form of library books agrees.

Miranda's Kittens--John set up a webcam to show off his foster kittens, and now they are INTERNET STARS. Maybe Peaches would like to watch this, but I think she feels cuddling kittens is better.

McSweeney's Internet Failure Map.. I am about 2/3rds there! Wherever that is!

The Billfold takes on the risk of saving no money with backyard chickens And not just that, but now you have to find humane homes for retired chickens? Ugh, people--if you can home farm Novella Carpenter style, don't do it at all.

Look! A recipe for DIY Biore strips!

Have Some Fun: Twilight Cover Art Parodies

Go vote too!

I am happy to explain any of the romance illusions you don't get--ask in the comments!

A Trend Wende and Lisa Are Behind All The Way

Over at Smart Bitches, Trashy Books SB Sarah makes a prediction: financially savvy heros and heroines are the next big trend.

Speaking of which, over on Filthy Commerce Lisa Schmeiser asks if Confessions of a Shopaholic is hitting screens too late to be amusing.

Personally, I would totally read fiction with realistic financial detail, like the hero/heroine making dinner out of a butternut squash, a handful of navy beans, a bullion cube and some rice because it's 3 days to payday and that's what's around after the student loan payment is hits the bank account.

Sex By The Numbers--Marie Donovan

Here's the deal--while I cheerfully admit I read and like romance novels, I'm not a big fan of contemporary romance and even less a fan of category romance. That section of the genre exists in the same mental space I use for fashion magazines and home decorating blogs. Oh, so you mean there are women who are 5'10" and a size 4 and wear a $375 dollar dress while the tide rushes in and splashes their legs in an artistic manner? Okay, your fantasy, you do what you want! Hot sexy men who want a commitment falling for ordinary women ? Your fictions do not bear a resemblance to my life, whatevs!

I lack aspiration in so many ways.

But back to the book. Why is it so interesting and what makes it a good read? Yes, there's hot sex. It's a Harlequin Blaze title. But there's also accounting, and a female character with an interesting personal dilemma, some humor and a romance that you can believe in.

Dane Weiss and Keeley Davis don't know each other, but both get pulled into a secret, off-the-books investigation at Bingham Brothers. Dane is a protege of Charles "Binky" Bingham, a charming roue who should be in his oatmeal years, but is still a hands on manager of his family firm. Binky is also fond of strippers and targeted for retirement by his priggish grandson who cannot wait to get his hands on evidence that Binky's incompetent. Keeley has mad forensic accounting skills and is enticed to help by her friend Sugar, Binky's latest girlfriend. Oh, and how does Keely know Sugar? She used to dance at the same strip club under the name Cherry Tarte. Matter of fact, because of her dancing days Keeley is the go-to accountant for Chicago's exotic dancers (hey, you can deduct your makeup, but not your boobs, and keeping track of receipts is very important!)

Right, so the idea is Dane will go into Bingham Brothers as the new controller, and Keeley will pretend to be his secretary because no one would expect the female secretary to be able to examine the books in minute detail. Keeley knows this role will require her to play down her intelligence and competance, but it's her own perverse notion to play with people's expectations by donning Cherry's red wig and lucite sparkly heels, left over from her stripper days. Dane already fancied Keeley in her business suit and bun, and well, who wouldn't be attracted to a tall redhead in her stripper garb while she gives off a "I like you/No, not interested" vibe. Their relationship is believable and enjoyable, since they have a lot in common besides the sex and levels of extreme hotness--devotion to family, belief in hard work, sharp minds.

And seeing how Keeley manages to reconcile and integrate her past with the person she's become, who is indeed the woman she's always been-- a combination of sharp accountant and flashy dancer-- is a pleasure. I'm a sucker for an integration tale. I think it's my favorite theme of personal growth.

Another point of interest--her bio indicates Marie Donovan is a Chicago area librarian, so I have this "yes! kickass librarian" good vibe thing going for her work. She's definitely one to keep an eye on.

The Highland Trillionaire's Feminist Princess

Go play with The Random Romance Novel Title Generator. It's a fun time-killer, I promise.

My plot for this romance novel, starring me--so I get hired by a chain of inauthentic Scottish tea rooms coming to the Phoenix area as a server, quickly rising to the challenges of a managerial position. Faolan MacMonney,**the head of the company comes to check on things and is as impressed by my ability to upsell* his family's cherished scones and analytical business sense as he is transfixed by my large breasts. I am awfully attracted to his height, dun coloring and distinctive nose.*** We clash on the offensiveness of the nickname "Princess" and the question of whether women can have it all and if so, isn't that kind of a pain, as his jealous sister prepares to alter the quick dining market with the launch of a string of curry and vindaloo takeout carts.

*It's a pun--this is fantasy.
**As my friends at Rainbow Connection can attest, I am very good at the upsell. It combines my talents in flirting and sales.
***What can I say, I have a type, even in my fantasies.

Bargain Bride--Evelyn Sibley Lampman

This book sparked my interest in the westward expansion and the suffragette movement as a kid. I found a copy of it at the big Case book sale several years ago and bought it immediately to see if it held up. It's not an ambitious or great book, but an enjoyable read and good for Women's History Month.

The story opens on Ginny Mayhew's 15th birthday, the day her husband comes to collect her. Ginny was married off to him at the age of 10 after her parents died on the trip out west to Oregon. See, the homesteading laws gave twice the acreage to married couples as it would to a single man, and with very few single women out in the territory they'd marry off girls as young as 5. And those girls' share of land would belong to their husband due to the property laws of the time. Nice. Selling Ginny to Stephen Mayhew paid for her cousins' farm, and ironically she's better off with a husband in his 40's who she barely knows. He's a successful farmer, and even built her a real house. He also dies of a stroke when they get to the farm (convenient!)

Ginny takes advantage of her independence as a widow to break ties with her cousin and take in Nona, the Indian "wife" of her nearest neighbor who has been set aside with their baby after his legal marriage to a white woman. Notice a theme here? This requires lots of lying to the neighbors because a teenage widow living out on a farm with an Indian woman is NOT DONE. Together they make it through the winter and into the courting season, as the gentlemen show up to court Ginny and are equally interested in her body and her land. The book peters out about halfway through the winter, and wraps up quickly in a perfunctory manner, but eh. What else can you do stuck out on a farm in the Oregon Territory?

Quick aside--I sold my copy on half.com this week to someone with a userid that indicates she might be part of the Quiverfull movement, and I just found it funny as I am one of those secular feminist types with an interest in women's issues spurred in part by this book and well, it just takes all kinds, let's say.

Sexy Librarian--A Novel, A Stereotype, A Faint Hope?

Oh, I am so torn--it sounds like something I'd like to read, but also something I'd be disappointed in because I would hold it to a high standard, and if it wasn't accurate I'd throw it against the wall. Plus we've got primo librarian stereotyping here. Hipster librarian? Check! Retreat to the Midwest from New York? Check! The "sexy" library? Bwaaaahhh! Check!


From PubLib:
FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE:
Sexy Librarian, a novel, published by Ellen Lupton/Slush Editions

Sexy Librarian, available for the first time this January, is Julia Weist's first novel about the life of Audrey Reed--a beautiful, sophisticated, New York Arts librarian who moves to the Midwest to work in a public library. With its witty and honest perspective on the tribulations of modern librarianship--its ideals and realities-- Sexy Librarian is an essential read for all those who think life long learning is as important as long nights of ecstasy. While Audrey struggles with an impossible romance with the library director's ex-husband and a mountain of steamy New York memories, she remembers why she fell in love with the library in the first place and why she still finds it so damn sexy.

The volume includes a critical essay by Jennifer Tobias, Reader Services Librarian at The Museum of Modern Art, New York, called, "In Search of the Sexy Librarian," and a new publisher's afterword.

for more information please visit:
www.sexylibrariannovel.com

to order please visit:
http://www.lulu.com/content/1400577

What Would Jane Austen Do?

God bless the WGA strike! Because you will have lots of time to watch the new PBS adaptations of all Jane Austen's novels. The fun starts on January 13th with Persuasion.

And if that tosses you into a secret fantasy of the Regency period and or causes you to bemoan your single state, this round up of the latest Jane Austen homages and clones is a good reference for what's out there. Me and Mr. Darcy is a crap book, by the way. It also leaves off Lauren Henderson's Jane Austen's Guide To Dating, which I found invaluable and will review as soon as I find my copy. Also keep in mind that The Jane Austen Book Club is soon out on video.

And The Risky Regencies blog spent the early part of December looking at Austen's novels, putting the phrase "big girl panties" into my brain.

Salon's take on the cult of Austen calls out the romantic fangirls as missing the point if that's all you think Austen's about. Her novels are more prescriptive about marriage and relationships than people like to think, and it's clear she was a woman of her times who believed in the social order. You marry for security and choose well, and if you find love that's grand but really--sometimes all you can hope for is to live parallel lives and keep your temper.

I first got into Austen when we read Emma for Mr. Quinn's spring course, "The English Novel." I embraced Austen's view of marriage in a big way (probably ultimately to my detriment) , but I didn't get into any of her novels until my late 20's--I think I attempted Pride and Prejudice in college but found it a slog to get through the first 50 pages, Mansfield Park is 400 pages of boredom leading to a mere 50 pages of scandalous fun at the end, and Northanger Abbey confused me.

I read Sense and Sensibility while recovering from my broken arm, which lead to a rereading of the other books including P&P the summer after I split with the ex and Persuasion 2 years ago. The reason why these books endure is that the search for love and affection is the same--we all want someone who will love us when we bring nothing but our worst selves to the table, who will want us despite shortsightedness and stupidity and selfishness, and give us a second chance. They give me hope, every one of them.

Beauty, The Beast & The Librarian

This in an excellent paper discussing the classic theme of the Beauty and the Beast fairy tale in romance novels, but you know--when I wrote my master's thesis, it had to be on the topic of library and information science, some way some how, and not just literary criticism.

I mean, if I could have gotten away with that, it might not have taken so freaking long to write it, no?

And it if from UNC, which has a much more prestigious program than Kent.

The Sexiest Man Alive--Diana Holquist

Here's my entry for Beth's Smart Bitches Day.

So here's the deal--I don't usually read contemporary romance. Mostly because my romantic history is dull as dirt and from what I can gather of modern mating rituals, contrary to perception, I'm apparently a guy. So contemporary romance depresses and kind of annoys me as it doesn't reflect my life. It's a lot easier for me to get into historical romance with the angst and long skirts, and the propriety and the illicit sex than deal with the modern day. But I checked this book out because of Dear Author's review in which them mention there's a secondary character who is a librarian. A male librarian. This is rare, I tell you. So lured by the possibility of a positive portrayal of a librarian, by which I mean a character who isn't a virgin or nearly so, has a backbone, possibly clothes sense and isn't shirking from the larger world, I opened the book.

And for the approximately 3 pages he appears, Senior Reference Librarian of the NY Public Library, Mr. Josh Toby, pays off. He's tall, skinny and redheaded, but treats his delusional homeless patrons with kind but firmlpatience. And he gets into a physical fight for his true love in the end. Okay, the fight is with his true love, who he's had a thing for since high school, but aw!

I have a lot of problems with all other aspects of this book. Jasmine Burns is an aspiring costume designer who has a fear of men. Oookaaay. This fear dates to when she was 16 and was invited to make out under a tree with her handsome tutor, who invited his friends come by to observe and catcall.

Yeah, unbelievable much? Because my that logic, I should be institutionalized. Believe me, if you haven't developed a fear of men from spending your 7th grade year being sexually harassed and called "whore" by all the boys in your class, a few guys spying on you from a tree isn't going to do it.

Her sister Amy got the family's gypsy gifts--she can occasionally tell people who their true love is. And in return for $2,000 to pay off her and Jasmine's other sister, Amy lets Jasmine know her true love is Josh Toby. But is it actor Josh Toby, who is kicking around his hometown of NYC incognito doing random acts of kindness and feeling bad that he's not real deep, he doesn't fit into his family's counterculture mold, and everyone just thinks he's just a hottie with no brains or soul or Librarian Josh Toby? Oh, noes! It's Hottie Josh of course!

So a book that I can't suspend disbelief to get into, annoying characters, a plot that likes to think it's full of outrageous fun but isn't really funny--I didn't make myself finish it, because I wanted to slap everyone.

Enthusiasm--Polly Shulman

The Jane Austen fad is still going strong, with mixed progeny. This Austen inspired tale shines, and shouldn't be overlooked in the crush.

"There is little more likely to exasperate a person of sense than finding herself tied by affection and habit to an Enthusiast. I speak from bitter experience."

So starts narrator Julie Lefkowitz's tale of friendship and romantic adventures. Julie has the quiet reserve and good sense, and her best friend Ashleigh is the Enthusiast. Ashleigh's latest craze is the works of Jane Austen. Julie actually introduced her to them, but Ashleigh is the one who seizes long skirts, formal speech, and a mastery of 18th century ballroom dance as the outlet for her energies. Her mania leads her and Julie to attempt to crash the local prep school's Founder's Day dance (where else will one have the chance to dance a quadrille?) where they make the acquaintance of roommates Parr and Ned. Ashleigh declares her affections for Parr, who is the Mysterious Stranger Julie has seen around town and developed a crush on, and tries to push Julie into the arms of Ned, who while very nice is not interested.

Shulman does a great job of mixing in Austen achetypes with teen romance, and really has the rituals of young love and intellectuals down. This is a book about yearning and the struggle to find yourself and your place in the world. These are good kids--no "Gossip Girl" style antics here. And as someone with Enthusiasms herself, I love bouncey, cheerful, unabashed and ridiculous Ashleigh. It's a delightful tale for someone looking for a teen romance that's not racy, and perhaps like Joan Bauer, Jane Austen, and some of the other YA books I've mentioned here.

Golden Fancy--Jennifer Blake

Sometimes, I read books that are just plain bad. What effect that has on me depends on why the book is bad. Some books are carelessly written, and I tend to feel insulted by those. Some books I just don't get. Some books are just weird. Some books are just past their time.

This is a book that's past its time. It was written back in the late 1970's, when there was a big trend towards rape/forced seduction in the romance genre. I counted four attempted rapes and one actual rape, and the hero and heroine's TRUE! LOVE! 4 EVA! starts with the rape.

It's not really worth reading, except for one thing:

Crazy. Evil. Mormons.

Oh, yeah. Crazy Evil Mormons elevate a book from a complete waste of time to a slightly interesting waste of time.

They beat flat the previous Best Evil Religious in a Romance Novel, the Obnoxious Jackass Quakers from Flowers from the Storm. The Quakers only had smugness and guiltmongering to use against that book's heroine. The Evil Mormon has blood atonement. And stalking.

Right, so plotwise we have the lovely, yet mostly personality-free, Serena Walsh who was on a wagon train with her parents to start a new life in a mining town. They die, and the Mormons force her to continue on with them, when she attracts the attention of Elder Greer, who wants her as his fourth wife. Serena fights him off on Rape Attempt #1, and gets tossed of the wagon train, where she then gets picked up by Wade Dunbar, a man with a past and various business interests in the mining boom town of Cripple Creek. He's the one who rapes her, but then makes her his mistress.

Serena does many stupid things throughout the book, and so does Wade. They are supposed to have a deep love, yet they never have a conversation. Wade also leaves her multiple times to the machinations of his nutty female business partner Pearlie, who hates Serena because Pearlie's in love with Wade, and his nutty male business partner, who's "in love" and obsessed with Serena.And tries to buy her from Wade. Oh, and the Crazy Evil Mormon is still stalking her. The men in this book are such catches.

Now, I don't know how one can be so out of it one manages to give birth and not recall it (but hey, there might have been laudanum involved). I also don't see how a marriage performed when a woman is too sick to consciously consent and recall the ceremony can be legal even in 1891, but hey. In the end the h/h wind up together with their kid, really rich, and no one's been convicted of murder. All's happy.

And I just shake my head and am glad for feminism.

The Shadow And The Star--Laura Kinsale

This book makes me feel bad for people who don't read much, because by not reading they miss emotionally wrenching and perfectly written stories like this and are the poorer for it. This is one of those books you pick up and read, finish, then turn around and read again. And you think on it, and you notice more detail, and you put it all together and read bits again, and then you fall on the floor wasted and realize it's a freaking masterpiece. Completely knocked out by how the author has made you care for the characters, and that the language, characterization, description and mileu are spot on, and damn it, it is over and you will never read it for the first time again. And you've let your duties slide and you have to break the spell to get away from it a bit, but you don't want to because it's that good. It's not a crack book, it's an opium book--you just want to curl inside and live in the dream a while.

Okay, so here's a confession--this is a romance novel. Laugh all you want. Laugh that I, Kerry--yes, she of the flinty exterior, the cool analytical intelligence, she who has been known to turn off NPR and yell accusingly that the news coverage is trying to manipulate her and prey on her emotions, the disparager of weddings, of sentiment, the Irish Catholic Most Likely To Engage In An Arranged Marriage, yes she--has taken to reading romance novels, particularly historical romance. Because I like my love repressed and unspoken and angsty. (And I took this habit up after my dad died. Make of that what you will.)

And we have repressed, unspoken, twisted and angsty love galore here. (Warning, spoilers ahead. I didn't know any of this when I started reading, which might be why it had such a grip on me. If you think you might read this book at some point, stop reading this post now and save your enjoyment.) We have a plot of boy meets girl, girl helps boy, boy helps girl, boy is obsessed with another girl which makes the girl who loves him sad, boy and sad girl have sex and are forced to marry, and boy faces fears about self and realizes that maybe he's not worthless.

Does this sound completely over the top and ridiculous? Oh wait, there's more.

Our hero, Samuel Gerard, is a ninja. A Victorian era white boy ninja. Kind of an accidental ninja, really. He's in London with his sort of family from Hawaii, visiting for the Queen's Jubilee. And what does a successful businessman/ninja with ties to English nobility do when visiting England? He stages a series of burglaries to draw attention and shut down parts of the child sex trade. Because until he was about eight and Lady Tess Ashland's detectives found him, Samuel was one of those children. Yeah, he's a mite bit fucked up.

Our heroine, Leda Etoile, is a genteel young woman of reduced and struggling circumstances. Her guardian died and she's doing her best to hang on to her dignity and virtue as she slips further into poverty. She's working at a fashion house when she and Gerard meet, but when the choice comes to either whore herself or find another job, she leaves her position. She's jobless and nearly broke and it's all going so, so badly when she has a cleaning frenzy and rearranges her room. Which trips up Samuel Gerard, as he's been sneaking into her garret to stash his burglary loot, and leads to his breaking a leg. Ha, ha. Serves you right, stalker boy. So after she helps him with his broken leg, he gives her a job as his secretary. And since they're such good pals, he asks her advice on how to go about courting his foster sister. Because marrying the last woman in the world you'd ever want to have sex with in a crazy attempt to overcome your past is such a good idea. Using the incest taboo as a shield for your feelings and desires -- it was going to work perfectly, Samuel, uh huh. Ay yi yi. Thank god he and Leda wind up married and going back to Hawaii where Samuel finally figures out that he's been played by his sensei for the last 17 years, that the sensei has an agenda that he hasn't been sharing, and oh yeah--maybe Samuel should have cleared those robberies with his sensei first because he stole something that's unleashed trouble, and made Leda a target.

Damn. I know this plot sound ridiculous, with a capital r ,and rhymes with credulous, which is what you have to be. But it works! Why? Because Kinsale so thoroughly grounds her story in characterization and the time period that it's completely believable. There's no talk of feeeeellllings and such to relieve Samuel's pain--he's a simmering mess of sexual frustration and shame and loneliness throughout the book and Kinsale expertly details his torment. He's reserved, secretive and his family doesn't even know him. The nickname of "Mano" (shark) fits him for multiple reasons. He does stupid and admirable things, in equal quantities. And when Samuel finally comes to the point where he gives into what he wants--his loving wife who despite everything he does understands andrefuses to desert him--and It. Is. Awsome. Leda comes off as a bit of a prim priss on the surface, but she's got spirit as she copes with her various humiliations. She's also truly generous person with her love and attention she shows towards Samuel--he may not have wanted to marry her, but she loves him and nothing will stop her from doing for him. They have a happy ending, and by golly they deserve it and you as the reader believe it.

And it's a sign of a good novel when you wind up with lots of questions after finishing a book that aren't about the whys and hows of the story, but of things connected to the story. Thank god I'm a librarian, as I might get around to researching these at some point. I'm now curious about what the shark chant sounds like, sharks in general, 19th century Hawaiian history and politics, Honolulu society, what exactly was going on in the US in 1887, and Queen Victoria's Jubilee celebrations. And I already looked up the meaning behind a turtle as a gift.

You can see me squeeing and bouncing and waving my hands wildly, right? Go get this book and curl up for some summer reading.