Not Everything Has To Be Commercialized--Savvy Auntie Nonsense

On Mother's Day I listened to this story about the founder of the Savvy Auntie website. She's also got a book out.

The whole thing left a bad taste is my mouth, just because it seems incredibly silly and like a bid to get to people to obsess about something and spend money, or give into a childish need to see themselves as popular and important. Yes, my life was changed and got better with the addition of little Miss Peaches to our family*. Dusie and I get along better than we ever have, as we spent most of our childhood at each other's throats. Peaches is always a good topic of conversation, and an amusement. And I look forward to the further evolution of her personality and interests. I don't want to be a Savvy Auntie; I want to be the sort of trusted and honest adult that was missing from our lives when we were kids. While I loved Aunt Mary Jane and she was a big part of our lives, there was a lot of reserve and distance to our relationship with her. That's why I am probably the aunt who goes to museums and teaches you how to take the bus, and can always be hit up for music, books and art supplies. And our parents had a lot of strain creating this little cult, an island cut off from everyone. Dusie and Jesse X want more kids, and I don't want them to suffer like that. That's why I told my sister that if and when she moves that if there was nothing keeping me here, I would move with them.



*I would feel bad if I did not mention that I am also Genevieve's son's Aunt Kerry; he's stated his desire that they should get on a plane and come visit me. Just wait until November, honey!

Drawing A Line

And it's a list of links featuring excuses for morally flawed behavior!

Since You Asked--Is My Friend A Kleptomaniac?

Kenneth Moreno's Wife, Julia, Assails His Accuser

Girlfriend Defends Adulterous Ex

The Since You Asked column was the one that started me thinking about where one draws the line over other people's behavior. The letter writer seems not to be able to put together the idea that if someone steals from strangers because they want something, they might steal from him too and that that's not a sign of a mental disorder--it's a sign of poor character, and do you really want to be associated with that? Not to mention that one should perhaps not consider that person a friend, or trustworthy. Which is the same question that Carolyn Hax handles, in which the new boyfriend wonders why his girlfriend can't admit that her ex, a married man who cheated on his wife, might have a similar failing as she keeps insisting the dude is a great guy. Yeah, a great guy except he cheats on his wife, which indicates a willingness to lie and deceive in what's supposed to be a bedrock relationship.

When I was younger, I didn't think so much if people had good character, or where I drew a line considering someone's moral behavior as a big "Steer Clear" sign. Nowadays, I am much harsher on these signs and people. I grew up thinking the outside world was a dangerous place, but after I left in my teens I went too far in forgiving others' flaws and not considering if someone was a good person or not. I really wish that how to tell if someone is a good person or not, when to trust or not, was a lesson i had gotten in a reliable form from my parents.

Which leads up the case of Kenneth Moreno, who was acquitted of rape last week and his defense by his wife, a woman who goes really far in rationalizing three fake 911 calls and a confession of condom usage. (Okay, disclaimer--based on the NYTimes coverage and common sense, I think he is guilty of the rape.)

Has your moral compass strengthened as you've gotten older or are you someone who sees everything in shades of gray? What is not excusable?

Sighing About "Geeks"

A Former Geek Offers Hope

Why It's Good To Be A High School Loser

So it took me a while to realize why I had such a visceral reaction to these pieces, a feeling exquisitely mixed between "kill, kill" and "bullshit." It's because of course these kids are going to be all right--they do have family that care, good schools, opportunities for making friends, and social skills. Face it, you may not be popular, but if you have social skills your weirdness becomes just a cute quirk in adulthood.

If you don't have interpersonal skills, a sense of appropriate behavior for the occasion, the ability to work with others and get along in a group--you have fewer options because you make people uncomfortable. I had to try to explain to Aces a few weeks ago what a geek was, and I mistakenly glossed over that aspect of the culture.

Another source of my crankiness is that I didn't even have a social group in high school. We had no debate team, my father objected to night rehearsals so I quit drama club (where I also faced up to the fact that I wasn't going to get a decent role anyway) and spent my junior year at afterschool gym and my free period trying not to fail trigonometry. I hate prep schools.

Genevieve!

My best friend Genevieve is coming to visit me at the end of March! I am so excited!

She is leaving her husband and toddler son to visit. For those who don't know her, Genevieve and I have been friends since 2001, when we met at Weight Watchers. But we had noticed each other on the W.117th Rapid station platform previously--we had just never approached each other. Genevieve is a vegetarian, an avid gardener, a wife and mother, and works as a web designer. She likes physical activity, good local food, public transit, checking out art and cities, and has never been to the Southwest.

Here's what I have tentatively planned out--and if anyone has suggestions, I'd love to hear them. She comes in on Saturday night and leaves Tuesday morning. I am going to make Pizzeria Bianco reservations for Saturday because I can make a table of at least 6 if Genevieve doesn't mind meeting other people from my life. There are several options for Sunday--the farmers' market in Awateukee, fancy breakfast at Over Easy or Matt's Big Breakfast, taking the light rail to the College & University station and climbing the butte at ASU, and the Desert Botanical Garden. We can also then go walk around the joyfully collegiate Mill Ave, and check out Tempe Town Lake. Or just take the light rail around and go to Roosevelt for drinks and music. Monday we might go out to Queen Creek to see the olive mill and farm (they do tours on the half hour), and we can maybe go farther out to the San Tan Mountains and see if there are any good walks or drive up the Camelback Mountains. Or a trip to Sweet Republic in North Scottsdale. Or we can drive up over the mountains and go up to Slide Rock State Park.

Of course this is also a good kick in the pants to get the apartment into shape, and get a sofa, clean out the rest of the stuff, buy new sheets and towels. Maybe train the cats to be less annoying (ha ha ha!). These were things I was thinking about, but hadn't really made a move on. But the most important thing is that Genevieve is coming to visit!

Marry In Haste, Repent In Leisure

I'm an avid reader of the New York Times "Vows" column, which picks a couple and describes their special love and sunny future in such terms that if you're single you become 10% more bitter by the week, except for in the rare instances in which you yell "Trainwreck!" upon reading how the groom has stalked the bride for 15 years, or how they both left their previous marriages to be together.

This week, they followed up on a couple who married in 2000 and are now divorced. What I found interesting is what they cite as the reason for their split--they got married quickly (about 14 months after meeting), had children quickly, and not enough interests in common to sustain them. And there's a few additional juicy details in the video too.

I feel vindicated in my pickiness. Yes, I know that is hollow and my vindication would be complete if I'd actually go out on a date.

Here's the original rosy profile of their relationship when they married.

Because Maybe I'll Have A Date in 2009

This is not meant as a comment on anyone's romantic life, but it was something I found interesting: The Five Love Languages.

It was accurate for me--I had an even split between Physical Touch and Quality Time, with Words of Affirmation and Acts of Service, and nothing for Gifts (10/10/6/4/0) Someone to cuddle and run errands with is pretty much my ideal relationship. And argue. Think The Thin Man, either film or movie. Lillian Hellman wrote that she thought when Dash gave her the manuscript to read it was one of the few things she'd ever seen that made marriage look fun.

As for gifts, anyone giving me things makes me uncomfortable. Few people ever realize that that's a possibility though.

Now, how I wound up in a long term relationship with someone who didn't like to spend time with me, felt he should get a medal for doing things for me that weren't what I needed or wanted, and gave gifts...wait, I know how I fell into that, and it's a long story for another day.

How I Sometimes Think It All Works

I Guess You'll Do.

Is It Me, Or Is It Cleveland?

So I was over at the West Side Market, in line at City Roast, and the woman from Reilly's came over and got in line behind me. It was a long line, it always is, and after a minute she started fretting that she couldn't leave her stand for too long.

"Give me your money and tell me what you want" I said. "I'll get it for you and bring it back."

"Are you sure?"

"Well, yeah. Besides we have this relationship based on my weekly addiction to the empire biscuits." And I pulled my hand out of my pocket to show her one I had just bought, because nothing's better than the vanilla latte and an empire biscuit.

She laughed at me and handed me a tenner and told me what kind of coffee to get her and said thanks.

Those of you who've known me a while knows that this sort of thing happens a lot. I start conversations with strangers, I offer to help, I joke, I smile, and people mostly talk to me. The question is this: is it me or is it Cleveland? Is Cleveland a friendly town?

Because I like this aspect of my personality, and I don't want to lose it. I don't want to wind up cranky and intolerant and businesslike. And I worry that when I move I'll be in a new place and people will be unfriendly and mean and I'll be out of place again. Even if I am out of place in Cleveland, I at least know the town. Back in the NJ area, I get the feeling that this bubbly flirtiness isn't appreciated, or maybe it just wasn't appreciated coming from me.

The thing is, that I do this at all is sort of a huge 180 from my personality when I was young. I was shy, incredibly socially awkward, was bullied, teased, stalked, and taken advantage of numerous times. I was a weirdo. I have lots of anxiety and I'm introverted and talking to people, even simple things like asking the time or directions, stressed me out. The only talking I could do was in English class. Social anxiety is a bitch. Now it's only bigger talking to people that freaks me out, which is a huge improvement. Like online dating. I know, I know.