Read All Jane Austen; Still Single

I was trekking through Barnes and Noble today and encountered this book on one of the display tables: All Roads Lead To Austen: A Year-long Journey With Jane. The book seems really interesting, but why is it so relevant that she wound up with a man at the end of her journey?

It's not just me, right? What is up with all this Jane Austen inspirational literature that teaches that if you only follow lessons from her novels, you'll wind up in a happy relationship? Like it's some sort of guarantee of life--follow these rules and boom! Mr. Darcy appears! I reviewed such a dating guide back in 2008 and since then the proliferation of Austenania has gotten ridiculous.

And why doesn't anyone talk about the lessons of Jane Austen's actual life? Love your family and be supported by them, develop a passion, don't put your own feelings ahead of what's right, call a spade a spade, develop a sense of humor and you'll live well. Jane Austen was her own hero; she didn't need a man.

And honestly, I've read Jane Austen--if it's so simple, why haven't I been able to find a fellow?

Probably because I'm fucking Mary Bennet, that's why. Sigh.

Ironically, I was in B&N sort of contemplating an illicit curlup with Gillian Flynn's Gone Girl, which "peers into the dark recesses of marriage." I'm tenth in line of about 130 patrons waiting for it at the library; they doubled the number of copies they are getting when over 50 patrons added it to their holds in the last 10 days. I'm very happy for Gillian Flynn! Here are my posts on her other novels, Dark Places and Sharp Objects.

The Science Of Single--Rachel Machacek

I picked this up because Citizen Reader posted a review.

Frankly, this book made me wish Cookbook were single because together we would write a much more honest and hilarious memoir of dating. This book winds up being pretty dull even though Machacek goes on some funny bad dates. Partly this is due to the fact that's she attempting to be objective or perhaps not let everyone know all her business. Um, if you are writing a dating memoir, that is very tough, honey, as dating is the epitome of personal business. And she's got the "science" angle to it, which is not much of a science at all--basically she tries all sorts of dating services, bind dates, "It's Just Lunch", dating in other cities, consulting a dating coach and following dating guide advice. My office's methodologist would find this very flawed.

You can't be objective about dating. It's too individualized, as a decade or so of DateLab archives can show you. You bring your own issues and preferences to the table and trying to make it with someone else should get you to confront them. For instance, my issues are:

Independence issues--because my parents ignored me, I am very comfortable in relationships where I am ignored. Attention kind of freaks me out.
Mental health issues--the depression, the anxiety, the crazy make me the Kerry you know and love.
Not really knowing how to make small talk--again, as my therapist said, when you don't have a family that does this you don't really know how.
Seeing red flags everywhere--I admit it, I prejudge. Hence the no geeks and gamers thing.

I know, i SHOULD BE SO MUCH FUN TO DATE. Line up, men!

Machacek isn't interested in exploring her her issues or letting the reader know what they are, although she acknowledges she's in therapy (nothing wrong with that!) But you sort of get the feeling that she's not giving the dating thing her all, or enjoying it, and that she's holding back. She also really doesn't want to have to meet a potential husband sort through any of these online dating service or other "unnatural" ways--she wants a chemistry- filled meeting in a natural setting, like her parents who met in an adult education class. She just gives mixed messages to the reader throughout the book. An example of this is how she approaches sex--she doesn't want it to seem like she's made a decision to have sex, that she just goes along with it in the moment. Like the time she goes out with the sex-aggressive guy from eHarmony, stays over at his place, and then just acquiesces when she wakes up to a naked guy who mentions he's got condoms. Um, honey? It's not a shame to want sex. That's one of your issues right there.

I did pick up some good ideas from this book--to try the Onion personals and to be more forward in my dating pursuits. But I really regret the time I spent reading this book.

On The Topic Of Dating...

I'm currently writing a review of a dating memoir, but to tide you over on the topic I wanted to throw out a couple of links. There was a great post and a ton of comments this week on Cup of Jo about dating dealbreakers--go read it.

And here is the famous Washington Post Date Lab archives.

My Dating Profile

I have my online dating profile saved in a Google Doc if anyone would like to take a look and offer feedback.

This Week's Bachelors

I think I need to get onto a pay service. This week's bachelors are so uninspiring.

One had this as the first line of his profile: "I am a shy nerdy guy in search of someone who can be a companion to one.
I have no experience despite my age. But that is a long story for another day."

Which makes me wonder what he means by no experience--virgin? Never dated at all? Because his profile picture shows him with facepaint.

Facepaint.

Another admitted to having had recent hemorrhoid surgery. Wow, that's so sexy.

More Online Dating Bitching

Why say you're just "fairly intelligent?"

Or have a screen name like "SortaDumb."

You're trying to sell yourself here.

I'm not sure how to describe my own smarts, but I do know it's an integral part of the package.

The "No Geeks" Dating Rule

As I was washing my hands in the ladies last week, I looked up and thought to myself, "I look like such a nerd. I look like Sarah Vowell." Then I thought to myself, "That's how I need to pitch myself on this dating thing--all the intellectual curiosity of Sarah Vowell, but without the Puritan fetish. My voice sounds like a squirrel hepped up on meth too."

See, there's a problem with me and the sort of men I attract with my personality and profile and such. They're all geeks. And I admit I have some geek cred too. I read some fantasy and science fiction. I have a history of LARP. I went to a college that was a mecca for virginal engineers. I'm really smart and curious, and I like new things.

But I'm not a geek. I don't want to be a geek, and I'm really wary of dating one (again). Here's my logic: while I appreciate enthusiasm and a wide range of interests, I'm not interested in having to prove myself worthy in terms of my alienation or the fringeyness of my interests. I've spent a lot of time learning social skills and how to get on in the wider world, and there's nothing wrong with that.

Does this make sense?

I'm really not going to have anything to do with a gamer again. And it's not just such crap as Open Source Boob Project. I get that there's assholes everywhere. It's mostly that in my experience with gamers, they are not successful in real life because they use games to hide and give them a sense of accomplishment. And in order to be with a gamer, you have to be in their games, which take over whole lives.


A few links:

So apparently, World of Warcraft players find love with one another. That's nice, but at the end of the day you're with someone who plays WoW.

(Oh, side note--after we broke up in 2004, the ex would send me these emails talking about how great his life now was, and one of them detailed that he and his friend had just found the perfect game that consisted of everything they had wanted in a computer game, called World of Warcraft.)

A "Yes and Yes" post on writing a personal ad. My ideal is a college professor who likes country music. I'll take an engineer with a soul music collection. My ideal? Lyle Lovett, a less aggressive Henry Rollins, or a particular old friend sans substance abuse habits.

Online Dating Misogyny

So I got a message from someone, who just wrote "cute." I checked out his profile, to find that while he's got a decent grasp of grammar, he's got some things going on that make me uncomfortable. Like his "old-fashioned, Midwestern values" which means he kind of smothers women at best or shows signs of being an abuser at worst. He doesn't describe what he wants in a partner as an individual, just as "women" and he likes to send them many texts during the day to make them smile, little notes for them to find--behavior that I would find overbearing and crazy-making anyway. I got a strong feeling this is not a guy who thinks of women as individuals with preferences.

Later on he messages me and takes me to task for apparently not liking him.

I reply that I don't respond to messages with no content (general policy) and that I didn't like how he views women and the way he treats them.

He wrote back:

"Honestly, you should responds back to anyone who writes you because your fat."

I love it when I am proved correct.

Messages I Won't Be Sending To OKCupid Matches

Dear Sir,

Your bisexuality and atheism doesn't scare me. The fact that you think it's appropriate to have a profile picture with devil horns on your forehead does. It doesn't show your irreverence; it shows you're kind of a creepster.

I can't believe we are a 92% match.


Dear Soon-To-Be-Divorced Fellow

Look, it takes 6 months to get divorced in AZ. I can tell that you hopped on this site just about the minute you got served with papers. So maybe instead of looking for a penpal, since you admit that's all you can handle, you should concentrate on spending a little time with yourself, mourning, thinking, and I don't know--spending time with your kids who are going through a major upheaval?

Dear Sir,

I have the distinct feeling from reading your rap lyrics that you feel sorry for yourself and might shoot up a bunch of women one day. Please consider therapy.

Kind regards!

Kerry

Surely Someone Would Date A Woman With 7 Cats?

So last time I saw her, my therapist said, "Now that you've been making breakthroughs all over the place, I think it's time you tried dating."

She's going to bring it up again. There's someone else in group who should start dating too.

And truthfully I've been thinking about it. Granted for the last couple of years all I've done is occasionally read the emails I get from OKCupid with profiles and hit delete. But I'd like to have sex again before I turn 40.

I phrase what I am looking for as "a college professor who likes Americana music," which everyone agrees is totally the sort of fellow I should be with. But these profiles! If I am not just underwhelmed with blandness and the general incoherence, I get uncomfortable twinges and have to stop and figure out my feelings of revulsion.

For instance this line--"I am just trying to find someone like myself that has a big heart and would do anything for almost anyone."

Hell no. Because people who "would do anything for almost anyone" are very invested in being Nice People. Which means they usually are assholes in disguise. They ignore or hurt the ones they already have on the line because they have to show the people they don't know a good time, or they have some sort of savior complex, or are otherwise invested in being seen as a nice person, as opposed to actually being a good person and maybe a bit sensible about it. Know who was one of these people? The ex. The notorious Tim. Cookbook's ex. That kind of guy, ranging from inconsiderate jerk to sociopath.

And of course the guy has a jokey profile, and picture of a horse for his photo.

Or the fellow who sent me persistent emails, the first of which made me so uneasy that it was like physical revulsion. And I had to think and analyze it and realize that that email insinuated that I don't know my own mind, which is an awesome way to impress a woman (basically he said he suspected I was very liberal, which I was like "Huh?"), told me all about his kids, mentioned the whole "treat you like a lady" thing which I still can't figure out, and mentioned my kids when my profile clearly says I don't have any. He also mentioned very little about himself which gave me the information that a) he was desperate, b) had lousy reading comprehension and attention to detail, and c) had no interests or identity of his own. And that was just icky.

So yeah, I might try to pursue this dating thing. At least for blogging material.

THis Is An "I AM OLD" Moment

Henry Rollins turned 50 last week. 50! And this marks the 20th year of my crush on him. I used to buy Details just to read his column every month. And I got royally pissed when I was 17 and went up to New Brunswick to visit my cousins at Rutgers and my mom wouldn't let me stay late for his show.

So anyway, a few years back I sent this video to MFA Jane, when we were experimenting with online dating.



She called me back a day or so later to thank me, and said, "I don't know if I should mention it, but Kerry...Henry Rollins looks exactly like your dad when he was young."

And I said, "I KNOW!" Because yes, The Don did look like Superman (and old Henry) in his Marine uniform.

I was a Daddy's girl when I was young. And I admit it--I like my men (however few there are) smart, dark, tall, and kind of an asshole. Just like ol' Dad.

How NOT To Describe Yourself In A Dating Profile, Part 1

I'm just browsing by the way, but an actual full blown attempt at dating is on the list of projects for this year.

Descriptors that have hit me lately as just wrong:

"Mildly intelligent"--Really? Because I don't want to date someone with either false modesty or who isn't that bright. And if you're trying to sell yourself, why do it in such a lackluster fashion? When I write my profile, I'm warning them straight up that I'm a Mensa smart girl. I once came across a profile that said he wanted a smart girl, but not a Nobel prize or Mensa smart girl.

"Indifferent" (but also described self as "driven")--This was a display of muddled thinking, but helpful. Someone who describes himself with these two terms is giving you a big clue that he's either not good with the concept of contradiction, has a poor vocabulary, or he's already setting you up from day one that he's had to impress and not really interested in dating. More likely interested in having a woman throw herself at him constantly while he acts bored.

Now if he had used "diffident", meaning reserved or lacking confidence, I would give him a chance.

But People Who Don't Realize They Are Nuts Date All The Time!

Along with the New York Times' mental health coverage, I also like Jezebel's. Their articles spark more personal revelations, like this one on dating and mental illness.

I do agree with the commentators that eating disorders and straight mental illness are not quite the same thing--we live in the same neighborhood, but our paths really only cross at Cafe Low Self-Esteem. Which is a great place to go looking for dates, by the way. You don't know who you'll meet. Plus, the joint is filled with people who secretly think they are unloveable and have a hard time remembering their good points in order to sell themselves on dates. And sometimes they drink a lot when nervous!

I have been on 2 dates in 6 years of being single. They were not successful. I don't know how much of my issue is raw depression versus the fact that I wasn't raised to date and form relationships, and so am very anxious about trying. Plus the whole really fucking smart thing acts as a barrier too, as well as my tendency to see red flags where ever I go (although I would assert that the red flags are actually there, I'm not imagining them, and I'm doing myself a favor by not ignoring them.) And my weight. And my desire for invisibility. So yes, barrel of fun over here.

Maybe I'd Rather Stay Single

I like to boggle the Mormon girls by saying that in my family there's no pressure to get married, and as a matter of fact, it's a little looked down on that you would do such a thing. It's truth; Dusie confirmed that she managed to absorb the same message.

I always thought I'd end up alone. I can't decide whether it's self-fulfilling prophecy or just my personality. I broke up with the ex when I realized that I didn't care so much about kids or not being married, but what I wanted was someone who loved and adored me, and liked to spend time with me and he...didn't.

I had 2 dates in Cleveland in 3 1/2 years. However, compared to the girls in "Love By Committee", I'm a healthy relationship marvel. On the one hand, I am truly convinced there's a lack of single men in their late 20's or 30's there. I would joke that I had to wait for the first wave of divorce to get a boyfriend. But here's the thing--I don't mind being single. There's a lot of advantages to the whole thing. And I find the "Board of Love" to be awfully depressing and grasping in their strategies to find love.

Check out the commentary on Jezebel too.

A Random Snapshot Of My Life

Evangelical ex-drug user? At my Starbucks the other night. No, I did not ask him to be a part of my study.

As for Starbucks, the wonkiness of their internet connection these days is annoying me. It’s not just the one next door—the same night I got disgusted and went up to Indian School to use that one, it knocked me off there too.

I have signed up for speed dating on the 10th. It was marketed as being for those in the 28-40 range with “professional degrees.” Sadly, they don’t have Smiths themed speed dating out here. And this is free. Any suggestions on what to wear and what to talk about? Have I mentioned that I’ve had 2 dates in 4 years? Have I mentioned I’m pretty unskilled at the dating thing?

The average US per capita consumption of oranges is 12.3 lbs per year. I have eaten 10 lbs so far in 2009.

I made the mistake of looking up comps for my house on trulia.com the other day. Maybe it wasn't a mistake, because wow. I hadn't known it was that bad. As I told Genevieve, you can now buy a house in Birdtown for $35,000. I have much less of a problem walking away now, because it's just a race to the bottom at this point. And I can now go and buy things I need like car insurance, bras, and new glasses.

Beware Of Geeks And Engineers

Spurred by a conversation about a coworker's in law who is getting a PhD in Celtic languages (the scorn flowed from those who know him and those who don't ), I wrote the following on Anner's board:

"Engineers: Yea Or Nay? Geekery: Science Or Humanities? Yea Or Nay?"

This horror story brings shivers to us all.

Because Maybe I'll Have A Date in 2009

This is not meant as a comment on anyone's romantic life, but it was something I found interesting: The Five Love Languages.

It was accurate for me--I had an even split between Physical Touch and Quality Time, with Words of Affirmation and Acts of Service, and nothing for Gifts (10/10/6/4/0) Someone to cuddle and run errands with is pretty much my ideal relationship. And argue. Think The Thin Man, either film or movie. Lillian Hellman wrote that she thought when Dash gave her the manuscript to read it was one of the few things she'd ever seen that made marriage look fun.

As for gifts, anyone giving me things makes me uncomfortable. Few people ever realize that that's a possibility though.

Now, how I wound up in a long term relationship with someone who didn't like to spend time with me, felt he should get a medal for doing things for me that weren't what I needed or wanted, and gave gifts...wait, I know how I fell into that, and it's a long story for another day.

Just Click Delete

From today's potential bachelors...

"I want my wife to do women things like tanning,pedicures,getting her nails done, having her makeup and hair look nice whenever possible,work out 2 or more times a week,enjoy the little things in life like I do."

I have to say, as a woman I am not aware that there were "women things" as opposed to "things people do." Where's my instruction list for womanhood? Years of reading Seventeen, Glamour, and I still have no clue about these "women things."

This match wasn't happening for reasons besides the fact I have the nickname of "No-Groom Girl."

Today's Adventures In Dating

Today's potential bachelors featured a fellow who specified that he wanted a smart girl, but not a "Nobel prize or Mensa smart girl."

It was obviously not meant to be.

This Whole Dating Thing

Once I move I think I will be bailing on the online dating thing for a while and going back to hanging around and trying to chat men up.

It's been interesting. I think I was right in that there's not a lot of good men in Cleveland and Phoenix might be a better place to be single. I also have figured out that I have automatic turnoffs--lack of enthusiasm, lack of reading, anyone who uses the word "princess," psuedo-philosophical bullshit, whining, and guys who watch "The Bachelor."

However, I did see the profile of someone who was good looking, articulate, an engineering student (love me some engineers) and had a big Coca-Cola habit. So maybe there's hope out there.

A few links...

First Date Tips For Women might be helpful if I ever get to that point.

The Eligible Bachelor Paradox. This article describes the lack of men for women over age 30 in terms of game theory. I wanted to slit my wrists, but at least the author makes the point that game theory only explains the winning of a prize, not the winning of the best prize. So let's all just enjoy ambiguity and uncertainty, and take to drink.

But in case you have a date...looking to brighten your face? Love red lipstick but feel just too noticable wearing it? Check outThe London Times Makeup Masterclass on applying red lipstick. It's amazing to see how the reporters face changes as the makeup artist works on her. I love red lips and can't wait to go out and blow money on lipstick supplies, which I need like a freaking hole in the head. I know that men are commonly thought to like long hair, but do they like red lipstick? The idiot ex always thought it looked whorish. Yes, I know.